That's Not My Age is back in town, suitcase just about intact with a full complement of tatty underwear! I know it's not unusual to slip into a post-holiday funk (that's one for my American followers) but this year I've got the blues big time and I've only been away a week. Anyway enough of this maudlin talk, here's some advice on how to holiday like a grown-up:
Do
1. Wear a fantastic sunhat. That's Not My Age spotted a marvellous older woman last week walking down the beach in a red bikini (think Helen Mirren, then add ten years) and a big retro sunhat. If you're going to get your kit off, do it in style.
2. Channel Jackie Kennedy in the Hamptons or Grace Kelly in the south of France by covering up and staying cool in an over-sized white shirt. Brilliant over a swimsuit and classy with Capri pants. If it's too hot for Capri pants, French women opt for white linen trousers. Trés chic.
3. Wear sensible shoes. Heels are no use on cobbled streets, anyway, and who wants to look like Eurotrash? That's Not My Age loves a mum shoe. Try a low wedge heel, a Clark's Originals sandal and I'm going to stick my neck out here and say there's nothing wrong with a nice Birkenstock. Popular in French holiday resorts, and though it's a few years old the 3.1 Phillip Lim Tatami range is still available online and let's be honest, if they're good enough for Julianne Moore...
4. Choose self-catering. It's not just for cissies.
5. Have an early night. Going out is not the be-all-and-end-all - let the young people party till dawn (as long as they're not staying next door), early to bed early to rise and all that.
Don't
1. Think that because your companion is over forty they know how to apply suncream. They don't. Towards the middle of the week Mr TNMA declared that he'd finally become acclimatized. Day one: a sunburnt back. Day two: a sunburnt chest. Day three: slap on the after-sun and pretend you're a local.
2. Hang out in young people's bars. The music will be too loud, the cocktails too expensive and loitering on the sidelines like Peter Stringfellow is not a good look. Ever.
3. Take part in any sporting activity that involves jigging around on the beach. Keep all movement to a minimum. Swimming is fine, as is taking out a pedalo. Even wind-surfing has its benefits - one gust of wind and you're swept away from prying eyes on the beach. Just make sure you know how to turn the damn thing around.
4. Go on coach trips. Coach trips are guaranteed to immediately add twenty years to a person's age. Travel by train or boat, it's much chicer.
5. Wear a bumbag. Even if it is ironic or Louis Vuitton. You'll still look shit.
Other things that should not be seen on the over-forties/anyone: sunglasses with coloured frames, Fitflops (eeuch), 3/4 length combat trousers - why are people still wearing these?! Can you think of anything else?
Photo: Martin Munkasci